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Subscribe to RSSIf you’re bemoaning the lack of a Valentine, chances are you’ve turned to what seem like a gazillion dating websites for help.
Buyer beware, though, caution a team of psychologists who’ve just published a lengthy report about online dating, now a billion-dollar industry.
“There are sites that will tell you, ‘based on decades of scientific research and basic math, we can find your compatible mate for you,’” says lead author Eli Finkel, an associate professor of social psychology at Northwestern University. “That’s a pretty tantalizing offer.”
The problem, Finkel says, is that these websites have no scientific evidence to back up their claims that they can find your soulmate.
Well of course they don’t. Science and romance go together like Demi and Ashton, right?
Actually, Finkel says, scientists have been studying relationships for 80 years or so. And one thing is clear: It’s impossible to determine that two people have what it takes to maintain a long-term relationship before they’ve even met.
Research has shown that three types of information are needed to predict whether a couple will fall in love and stay in love, Finkel says.
One is demographics. It helps if a potential mate is age- and geographically appropriate.
A second, says Finkel: “What are the actual dynamics between two people who have met?”
And last, “What are the life circumstances that affect the couple?” Finkel says. “There’s no way they could possibly know that a hurricane or a cancer diagnosis or a sexy coworker is around the corner.”
Probably the best-known matchmaking website is eHarmony.com, which charges $59.95 for a month’s subscription. eHarmony asks clients approximately 250 questions about 29 “dimensions of compatibility,” ranging from conflict resolution to kindness to ambition. eHarmony’s “matching algorithm” is proprietary, so the company did not share it with Finkel and his coauthors.
In a statement, spokeswoman Becky Teraoka said the proof of eHarmony’s success is in the numbers. On average, she said, 542 people marry in the U.S. each day as a result of being matched on eHarmony, according to a 2009 study conducted for the website by Harris Interactive.
“eHarmony’s matching system is based on years of empirical and clinical research on married couples,” Teraoka said. “As part of this work, we have studied what aspects of personality, values and interest, and how pairs match on them, are most predictive of relationship satisfaction.”
Finkel isn’t convinced. Speed-dating, which he’s also studied, can tell prospective mates more about each other than profiles from a website, he says. “The human mind was built to size people up pretty quickly. The human mind was not built to browse a profile and figure out whether somebody is compatible.”
If you’re looking for love online, Finkel says, your best bet is to save your money and stick with the less-expensive websites in which you browse profiles, as opposed to those that try to make matches for you.
But, warns Finkel, who met his wife the old-fashioned way through a fix-up arranged by their grandmothers, “get offline fairly quickly, because you’re never going to be able to figure out from a profile and some emails whether you’re compatible with somebody.”
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Met my husband on American Singles 8 years ago. We've been married for 7 wonderful years. We're in our 60s and never thought we'd find love at this stage of life. But we did! We're still in love and are still seen by friends as the "newlyweds". We're a lucky couple!
Met my husband 7 years ago on a free dating site. I tried eHarmony and didn't really find what I was looking for.
Biggest advice for anyone looking to date online:
BE HONEST! Be honest with yourself and your potential dates.
There is no such thing as perfect. If that's what you're looking for you wont find it.
Keep an open mind. Sometimes we THINK we know what we are looking for. If nothing else, you end up with some great friends.
I like the way you think!
Agreed 100%. My husband of 7 years now was the exact opposite of what I was looking for in a man, he doesn't like Italian food and is just about my height. Yet we are completely in love and expecting our first child soon! The perfect man/woman for you may not be what you initially thought they'd be. :D
Fkn lame, that is what I think.
So pathetic to need someone else so desperately.
Most men these days are better off with porn as a partner. Women now a days suck. So glad I married one of the few good ones over 20 years ago.
When she dies, that is it, no other women for me. Being alone is highly underrated.
Too many people on these sites are not honest about themselves, they use the site to cast a wide net, boost there egos and see how many people they can churn through.
The sites should be used as a filter, be honest about yourself so that you can concentrate on the few that might be compatible with you.
There are usually a couple of things that are deal-breakers: kids, religion, politics, be honest about them.
I met my husband on Match.com - after our first date we spent pretty much every day together since. We've been married for 7 years and have 3 beautiful children. He is definately my sole mate.
Nothing wrong with these sites if you are safe about the dates and honest with people. Either way - you get to meet interesting people.
I met my fiance on Match.com 5 years ago. I tried eHarmony, but I was annoyed with the filtering system which left me with hardly any choices that were no different than the many choices on Match. Online dating is just another tool. I would have never met Jeff in real life because we didn't travel in the same circles. And yes, people lie on their profiles, either consciously or unconsciously. So it should just be used as a tool to meet people you wouldn't ordinarily, not to judge whether this person is a "match" for you.
Reading the success stories above is great, but we all know that for the most part, these dating sites are just a lot of bunk. All of a sudden, people are talking about 'soulmates'. Are they still claiming that when they're in divorce court fighting over who gets what? Thought not. Back in the days of our grandparents and parents, people met the old-fashioned way and had no problem with it. Now, we want to find love with the click of a mouse. Sad state of affairs IMO.
Shelby, the online dating is just another way to meet people. I would have never met my husband the "old fashioned way" as he was in Texas and I was in Fl. People lie online just as they do sitting on a bar stool.....or in the grocery store. Finding the person for you is no less wonderful just because it happened to come about online.
These sites are very helpful for those of us who fall into a minority category....intelligent, educated, agnostic, and liberal. Trust me, I'm not going to meet my "soul mate" browsing the organic bananas at the local grocery store. I met my husband of four years on Match.com. We're very like-minded and couldn't be happier. Best of luck to you in your mate shopping...I'm sure the grocery store will be happy to have you.
If it worked for you...hey! Great! However, I had no problem finding my significant other and I didn't need to use the click of a mouse. I guess some of us just got it like that.
And yes, the grocery store IS indeed happy to see my dollars as I'm sure it's happy to see yours as well.
I must not "got i like that," and yet I PROUDLY met my man on the internet. I was a bartender, he is a doctor, and I no longer work but go to school full time. To think, all it took was a click of the mouse.
Look, I really don't care how you met your 'doctor' nor whether or not you go to school and don't have to work.
See, that's the thing about online, people can be or say ANYTHING they want, but if that's YOUR true situation, Hey! Glad for ya! Just for the record though, braggers usually aren't...what's the word...oh, yeah..truthful.
Shelby ... considering that YOU are bragging that you "got it like that" maybe by your own words we should doubt you.
Shelby, I'm not sure what reaction you thought you would get by your snide comment about how amazing you are that you can find someone in person instead of stooping to online. It appears you don't know what you're talking about if you think it's better in a bar or church or grocery store.
Sure, I met a couple of losers online before I chatted with my husband in 1999. I also met several in person and even married one when I was too young to know any better. I met my husband on ICQ and we have been married since 2001 and have wonderful almost 8 year old twins. The guys I met in person weren't at all what I was looking for, and my now-husband is loving, funny, smart, and the best mate I could ask for.
So how about you put away your smugness and open your mind a bit. If you don't want to meet anyone that way it's your choice, but it isn't beneath anyone or only for people who are lacking something as you imply.
We had time to find out if our dreams, goals, and values were compatible before we met in person, and it's a way to meet and get to know someone enough to see if you want to meet them. In my person opinion for my life it really beats meeting someone in a bar or church, grocery, or by chance. We were both honest, and we knew each other before we met in ways many couples don't until they've been married awhile.
To each her own, and it's possible to be respectful and learn from others instead of insulting them.
Seems I've struck a nerve!
He went on to add, "And besides, it turns out that all the women there are totally lesbians. I mean, come on, no one replied to my awesome pick-up lines?"
In all seriousness, I thought the point of dating sites was to help you find a person so you can arrange the dates and meet-ups and open up the lines communication so that you can further narrow down the list of potentially compatible people. They shouldn't be a substitute for that time consuming process, merely a facilitator. If you're automatically assuming your computer matched partner is "the one" w/o putting in the extra work it seems more likely that's the fault of the user and not the site.
Exactly
Well Put!
I would not recommend eHarmony because of the dishonesty I experienced. The man they matched me with (99% compatibility) lied from the 2nd line of his profile. He lied about his sexual orientation! Although, I'm not sure HE knows what it is exactly.
But, when you're lying from the point of "man seeking woman," that's a problem. I know eHarmony isn't responsible for that, but their name is what "backed" my experience. And it took me a few months to uncover the missing truths. Six months later, I paid that money to have my self esteem trampled, feel heart-broken and back to square one. Quite honestly, I wish I would have never had that experience. One may say I should learn from it, but all I learned was 'no online dating'! They guy I'm with currently (who is honest, above all else) I met out and about in public. It seems like people can pretend to be whoever they'd like to be in the world of online dating. And the truth always comes out in the wash!
Umm, they can lie in person, too. I'm sorry that happened to you, but really there are many women who have been married to men and found out they were gay. Lying isn't done exclusively online.
My fiance and I met in E-harmony 3 yrs ago. We have the best blessing in the world, a healthy beautiful baby boy and he is a perfect match to me. We are both in out early forties and the key was to be honest , true and still believe. He has everything I had hoped for after my previous divorce and will stand by eharmony.
I met my wife in 2003 on eHarmony and we have been happily married, with a child, for nearly 7 years. That being said, I don't believe that every "match" on these sites holds potential for lifelong happiness. I went out with several dates that suffering through one evening was more than I wanted to endure.
What I do believe is that sites like eHarmony are a means to introduce you to potentially compatible people that you would likely never likely encounter in your normal day to day life. That was the case with my wife. We lived less than 10 miles apart but would have never met if it weren't for the internet. If you choose to use a matchmaking service, approach it with openess, honesty and a bit of caution and you just might find what you are looking for. I did. BTW, so did my wife's best friend. And a co-worker as well.
Does anyone ever believe that claim anyway? Is it really a PROBLEM??? And WHO CARES??? I didn't think anyone ever really expected that here WAS a science around meeting people, getting to know them and seeing if you connect. HELLO!
Some do and spend a lot of money on it. I think the article was helpful for those that want to meet more people but are not sure how to do it. Makes sense to use a cheap online source as a way to meet new potential dates and this article just helps those who are considering the various sites to know that they don't have to spend a lot of money.
People are fkn stupid and pathetic, including me, so I know what I am talking about.
Internet= more ways for people to be fkn stupid and pathetic.
I think most folks go the online dating route these days. It does work if you're persistent enough with it. My best relationships were all people that I first met online. I can't even imagine doing the bar thing these days.
I met my wife on the now defunct Love@AOL site 11 years ago..... Can't even imagine life without her anymore.
And I like the way you think too!
I met my wife on EHarmony in 2007. It was easy to see that she was going to be my wife after only a couple dates. I keep telling people that it's like shopping for dates! It's too easy to go from not knowing anyone in a town to going out on 4 and 5 dates a week. People who bad mouth the online sites are the very people who have secret accounts. Oh, and our daughter is 3 months old tomorrow. :)
I definitely believe in the effectiveness of online dating, having seen its success many times. You don't need to pay eharmony's prices, though. There's no need to get ripped-off. Try the free sites first, post an honest photo, think your profile through carefully, always meet in public and don't go back to someone's house until you get to know him or her very well. Try the sites with a free trial or lower prices second. Don't go into it with expectations other than to meet new people and maybe find someone compatible. If someone treats you poorly, tell him or her to take a hike, and move on to the next date. Know what you're looking for ahead of time and don't just date everyone who responds. Take any new relationship slowly and start off dating more than just one person. Love is out there, if you have your life reasonably in order, are willing to be honest and careful, and not afraid to look for it!
I met my wife 10 years ago at a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball game.
Lame: advertising ones need to get laid on a website.
I will say it again. LAME!
Anyone who has to advertise how lonely and in need of azz they are is undeserving of said company and azz.
Same thing in high school. The harder you try to be popular the more desperate you seem and the less popular you are. When you finally stop caring about being popular and don't give a sht anymore, then you suddenly become popular. Since you don't care anymore, that makes you that much cooler. See how these things work? NO? Of course not, because you are fkn lame and you can't hide that sht.
As an old married coot, I suggest y'all go out, by yourself or with friends, and offer some stranger a drink (or a cup of coffee). Give humanity a chance first, rather than these pay-to-play sites like Match and eHarmony, etc.
Unless he/she is a "stage-5 clinger", the worst that could happen is you will be out a few bucks and learn a thing or two about people - enjoy life, it's remarkably short!
Latuftak, well said. People act as if the only way to find a love match is through online dating sites. If there had never been a World Wide Web, they'd have had to go about it the "old-fashioned" way. Now, people are just too lazy to do the leg work themselves. That is why so many businesses are booming of this sort, catering to the too lazy(I mean, overworked) crowd to take the time and get out of cyberspace and take a look around on their own. No one is suggesting people go bar hopping. If you naturally assume that that is what a person means when they say, do things the old-fashioned way, then that must be what you originally did anyway.
I met my significant other while volunteering. You don't have to be alcohol drinkers or go online to meet that special someone.
No one ever said it was the only way, Shelby. It isn't about being lazy, although you wouldn't know that since you ascribe all kinds of motives to people you never met...lol.
You don't have to go online to meet someone, but it is a viable option and not one to be snickered upon. You don't have to use a site, either, but it is an option.
snickering as I read this.
earlier post: LAME.
To all those who have found success through "on-line" dating, congratulations. To all those who haven't, don't be too quick to blame "the service". No matter whether a site charges for their services or it's free; no matter the system (or lack of it) the site uses to give compatable matches, in the end it all comes down to how honest people are with the information they share. In the end, only meeting "face to face" will give a chance for that real test to occur.
In my (many) years I have met people all over the world. Some through direct encounters and some through the elctronic wonders of the internet. In the course of those meetings I have made many friendships, some of short duration and some still on-going.
My point is, don't expect "any" dating service to do all the work for you. There is no Mr or Mrs Perfect out there. In the end, it all comes down to what you want in a relationship and what you are prepared to accept and of course, how honest you both are. Just remember, our own opinions of ourselves may not necessarily match up with how others see us when things finally get down to a 'face to face' basis.
Oh and Yes, I did finally meet my wife 'on-line' and we have had a wonderful relationship for many years now. Good luck to all of you in your search, no matter what means you use.
Online dating is NOT for everyone. You can only get a date if you are above average looking. If you are below average looking, you probably won’t attract anyone. People judge people by how they look especially in the online dating world. That is the fact!
My husband and I met online 13 years ago; neither of us posted a picture of ourselves, just went on the free trial profiles offered by Match.com and emails back and forth before we met. Of course, we did have to describe ourselves in the profile; I put "above average," my husband put "average;" perhaps he wouldn't have been interested if I had only put "average"? Regardless, when we finally met in person, we were both exceedingly pleased and the sparks flew. I wouldn't change a thing about how we met !
No, it isn't a fact. I agree with L.
Wanna waste a couple grand and end up crazy? Try the Ukrainian, Russian and Columbian dating sites. You may not be happy but you'll have succeeded.
DOH! Can it really be that the claims these websites make are not true? Tell me it aint so! Of course these sites make a bunch of bogus claims. These sites are nothing more than a way for people to be introduced. I met my husband on eHarmony, but I also met jerks, liars, and nice guys I had nothing in common with. Whether it's an introduction on a dating site, at the grocery store, the gym or church, nothing beats common sense and a clear head when it comes to getting to know others and evaluating your compatibility as lovers or friends.
I have to laugh. It is a computer that calculates the scores and is only as good as the person who programmed it to begin with and how questions were answered. I know someone who was matched at 98% with her ex-husband on one of these sites- because on paper they looked a lot alike- but in real life: OIL/WATER.
I preferred sites that allowed you to create your own profile- and not just allow anyone to click answers to questions. It is too easy to just turn off and click things you think people want to hear- but harder to write about yourself.
I met my hubby on match.com almost 9 years ago. I was double-dog-dared to email him after I read his profile and thought he was cute and sounded like someone I wanted to get to know. I was cautious as you hear the horror stories- but it turned out it was worth the cost of a few minutes to write an email.
I had others email me and after just a few emails (via the match.com email service- never my own personal account)- I could tell who was honest or not and who was someone I wanted to talk with more.
You have to totally know yourself first before you try online dating I think. If you know who you are and what matters to you- then you can figure out who fits with you and who doesn't. Just be smart and don't expect that who they say matches will be the "one" for you- just like regular dating it takes time and trial/error to find a good match.
Good luck to all the brave ones out there still trying to find love on the internet- it can happen- just be smart :)
This is SUCH a scientific conclusion! It should be followed by eHarmony saying "I'm rubber and you're glue, what you say bounced off of me and sticks to you!"
PS.... why is my profile pic that of a woman all of the sudden?
There's a lot of Match.com promotion going on. Suspicious.
You know what? I was thinking the same thing. Things that make you go..hmmmmm....
I dated the "old fashioned" way in college meeting past boyfriends in classes and via friends, etc but I ended up meeting my husband online. I met him, not on a dating website but on a community forum. We had both posted many times and he eventually contacted me privately and struck up a conversation because he liked the discussions. After 2 months of emails we switched to Skype and, living in different cities (and a state away), we took another 2 months to work out meeting up. After dating for 3 years, we have been happily married for over 2 years.
I think both "old fashioned" and internet can work. I've done both. I had some great relationships before I met my husband... some are still friends of mine- they just weren't the long term husband relationship I was looking for and it happened that the long-term marriage was an internet meeting. But that was only our initial meeting. We took 3 years to get to know each other.